...ramblings...

OUTSIDE COLLEGE: (7:30 am)

I am loving the morning breeze these days....world outside the "routine" is peaceful...it almost like falling in love with life...
I feel like going for a long walk...just...away...quiet serene calmness...
This is the time you need people close to you around you...
You think about what the days have been...and its been nice overall...

IN COLLEGE: (6:00 pm)

People around dont affect me anymore...I know i need to get out of the frustrating air around...my life is not worth wasting time here...in this room...choked up....desperate to break free...
Let people be....let them bloody suck at their stupid lives and feel good about what they are doing...

I know for sure...I am not a part of this...I have been true to myself and have done things with utter honesty...IT WILL PAY OFF...
If it doesnt...well...in Prof. Venkys words....BALLS!!!

A bit worried about placements these days...just wanna get it done and move out of college...have had enough of it...
Hoping my efforts pay off somewhere and i get in soon...
Once thats done....I knw my attitude will change...and ill be at peace somewhere...

I want to prove it to myself....that i am worth it..!!
And that people who have insulted me...are not right in what they did...because somewhere....they have hurt me soo much...that they have taken my confidence away...

I like Victors lecture...not that i completely agree to what he says....but its like a reflection of life thats happening around you...in your life...home...family...friends...
And somewhere you feel....there is more to this than just 2 years of "college life"

:-)

12:45 in the night....two friends walk the streets of Mumbai...somewhere at peace...somewhere its good...

You are not where you hated to be...away from the routine...the life u hate right now....and it feels nice for a change...

"I wonder how life wud be if we had grown in this part of the city....Our whole thinking process wud be different...Life would be different....the people around would be different...Nice it would be to start again somehow...in a completely different setting.."

"I think its the place we have been bought up...we are somewhere stuck in between..."

I agree...
but still...i feel...I wonder....Why this life...???

I look at the dark sky....and i SMILE...

"A new life....a new beginning...tell me life whats waiting for me...
A new life...a new beginning...tell me life whats my world, my destiny..."

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings,
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone.
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

-From "The Family Album of Favorite Poems." Edited by P. Edward Ernest-

Self conflict...Broken Glass

I somehow have lost all confidence to handle myself...Things at home are out of my control...people just keep screaming for no reason and i just try to ignore...keep quiet...but it does affect me i knw...somehwre because...there is no one to listen to my side of the story...

You sit down one day and decide that you are going to deliver good...and you stick to it no matter what...
Somehow...Now I am at a stage where i cant find the difference between right and wrong...Of what I am doing will hurt people...should i just move away...stay away...

I want people around....but will they be able to handle me...Coz i might just freak out someday...to avoid getting people too attached...

I really dont know what to do with myself...It just seems that whatever i did or the person i was till now...is all being challenged...

There is so much pretence around that it kills me from inside...i wish i could just wake people up and show them the reality...
But i knw...no one believes you...Whom do i share the truth with then...
Just keep it inside and keep getting frustrated...

The reason...coz the world doesnt see what you do...they just get carried away by the fake and pretence...

Fucking Self conflict!!
Someone just take me away...

Broken Glass

Look at all that broken glass
Dreams that never came to pass
A word unsaid,
A path untread,
And a host of uncompleted tasks.

Time is cruel, time's a cheat,
Time stays put, time does fleet:
A moment in the past
A lifetime can last,
And a lifetime is lost in momentary heat.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Life goes on, it's life, it must.
But the realms of the mind
Hold memories unkind
Of unkept promises and broken trust.

When summer thus changes to wintertime
Come, my friend to a warmer clime
Cos there's someone who cares
Someone who shares
Your sorrows as well as your happy times.

selfish

i hate the words "Live and Let live..."

Esp when everyone around acts so selfish...when everything around you seems as though its give and take...

I feel that its a bad thing to be selfless in this world...it just doesnt pay somewhere...

People who do things for their own selfish reasons...always end up getting what they want...Everything turns out to be happy for them...

And emotional fools like me...end up being where i am...looking like a LOSER in between these millions of selfish souls...
Ruthless life is...no place for honesty...full of fakes...how can people not see the pretense?????

I think i need a break...or some change in my life pattern...seem to have lost my aura somewhere...

Went on my building terrace and shouted today at the top of my voice....felt really good....getting it all out...

Damn you God....lets meet in heaven...WE HAVE TO TALK!!!

Talking thru the eyes....

Had a fun day today...seemed like the longest journey back home...
Was singing the most amazing songs in the most crappiest voice with college friends...and was just plain having fun...

Chaahe Jo Tumhe Poore Dil Se
Milta Hai Woh Mushkil Se
Aisa Jo Koi Kahin Hai
Bas Vahi Sabse Hasin Hai
Us Haath Ko Tum Thaam Lo
Woh Meherbaan Kal Ho Na Ho
Har Pal Yahan
Jee Bhar Jiyo Jo Hai Sama
Kal Ho Na Ho

Palko Ke Leke Saaye
Paas Koi Jo Aaye
Lakh Sambhalo Paagal Dil Ko
Dil Dhadke Hi Jaaye
Par Sochlo Is Pal Hai Jo
Woh Dastan Kal Ho Na Ho
Har Pal Yahan
Jee Bhar Jiyo Jo Hai Sama
Kal Ho Na Ho
Har Pal Yahan
Jee Bhar Jiyo Jo Hai Sama
Kal Ho Na Ho

Thankgod for them...atleast i can put a certain issues at the back of my head...



I never believed people could talk to through eyes...at least it never happened to me ever before...But then...sometimes that eye to eye look for a small moment says soo much...and then it just naturally follows a smile...
It feels amazing at times...as if u dont need to say anything...
May be there is nothing to communicate...but then...its still feels good...
I dunno how i missed it for sooo long....or rather..how did i notice it after soo long!

Jaya and Ekta wrote down a list of good qualities that i have...
LOL....funny it was...nice to knw that someone cares...
I will never ever forget the fact that Jaya was always the only person to ask me everyday "How are you?" "Did you have lunch?" "Everything ok..?" and this was when i needed it the most...

...missed OUTFLOW...

The past few days has taught me a lot...I have seen how people have moved away...and i have seen how impatient i am that i cant wait for things to be normal...i will push it till it goes worst...to a point of no return...

I dont have many regrets though....except for my reactions at times...but i definitely dint do or say things with a wrong heart...If there exist truth...that will show someday...

I wish i had someone right now to whom i could just say things...a lota things happening in life right now...and i need to settle down somewhere...be in peace...

Have been doing so much for people...i think i have lost my identity somewhere...and my existence...Had lost the thought that my needs also have to be fulfilled and that always waiting for things to come to you doesnt really work...
LIFE IS and ALWAYS WILL BE UNFAIR...

The frustration just rises at home...i dont feel like coming home...its the same old story abt how i am not involved and about how i am not responsible...I wish my parents cud find one responsible guy instead of me...i would be happy to move out...

But the sad part is...waiting in college doesnt help much either...This...my friend is called...BEING ROYALLY SCREWED!!!

No wonder...tears just roll out of no reason...i just cant take it anymore...
I HAVE NO EVIL IN MY HEART ATLEAST...AND I AM PROUD OF THAT...

Some writings relate to life...

I had found this writing on Pheonix's blog long time back...She had posted it abt 2 months back...
Its amazingly written...its like a conversation between a girl and a guy abt their relationship..just thought i should keep it as a part of my blog memory...

Mind over matter

For some time now, I've been afraid to look into his eyes, to have a free conversation, to be able to confess what I love and hate about him, about myself, about this world. Really, afraid sometime, and grudgingly indulging in short lame conversations. And making the run, of course!

This ain't typically me, but it's the witless me. He's puzzled me so much by wide variations in his behavior I can't fathom what he really thinks anymore, and despite my curiosity to know, I'm scared, so scared, that if I went any closer to him at this point of time, at least one of us will fall in love with the other.
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I can never exactly pin-point what's going on in her twisted mind, but these days she's absolutely out of my radar. Or maybe, out of my life too, considering the way she acts most of the times as if she hates me, or is extremely bored/irritated of me. I should know better, for not long ago I thought I understood her well, and we were so close, so close that all I wanted was to somehow keep her mine forever...yes, I guess, that was it...that mad intensity with which I wanted to be with her, around her all the time. I don't know what it was, but it was both obsessive and addictive, and I really had to fight to gain some self-control and to not fall in love with her.

Love...was it that? Is it that? I doubt it...what is love anyway? I've always hated the notion of love but this time I don't know...but it seems quite the opposite with her behavior of late. She's running away, and and she's way too smart to do it explicitly, or to do it without a reason. Is it something in me? And yet, I want her back just as her. Pure, bright her.

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It's so easy to say "I don't care". It's so much harder to not care.

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It's so much easier to say "I hate her" than to actually not love her. You know, I think it was love after all, and all that while I didn't understand it. I can't even recollect clearly and chronologically what all happened to be able to understand when and where and why I lost her, but I know I have. To think of it, she never was mine anyway. It'd be best to forget her, but this love makes it impossible to do even that, just that it makes it awfully tough and painful to continue talking to her. Especially when she clearly does not care, or understand me any more. Why do people fall in love?!

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I so can't live without him. Or with him. Whenever I look at my past, the idea of love makes me flinch. It is so scary a thing to exist in the past, leave alone the future. And then, he hates the notion of love. He is an intense person, so much that if I showed him any tenderness his anger would completely annihilate me, as also his peace for a lot of time. And then, love's never done me any good. He is a great friend, why ruin it? Or at least, why ruin it this way?! It's wise to run, I think. Logical. Damn, why do people fall in love?

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"You're weird sometimes."
"As if you aren't. But you act as per your convenience and nothing else."
"Are you calling me selfish?"
"Aren't you?"
"...."
"Well, all you care about is your needs, and everything else is incidental."
"So are you my need that I care for you?"
"Do you, really?"
"No"
"See. That's just what you are, whimsical."
"You're weird, and self-obsessed."
"There could be other things I'm obsessed about...but anyway you wouldn't understand."
"Of course, I never understand anything do I?"
"Almost."
"Thanks"
"Thank you missy! For everything..."
"Whatever. Bye"
"Goodbye"
is the word, for I'm trying to hide somewhere from the questioning eyes of a friend so close, who wonders what went wrong. Or perhaps not. Perhaps he's guessed too. But it's such a stalemate this situation. And so I find myself making non-committal plans for meeting up

Dramatic effects often have distant, even subtle causes.

at peace...

Dot dot dot...

Life has suddenly become 3 dots...incomplete...restrained...blank...

Frustration is a sign somewhere, you took it too seriously.
But it's life. If challenges could always be overcome, they would cease to be a challenge. And remember - if you are failing at something, that means you are at your limit or potential. And that's where you want to be.

Someday...Honesty will pay...the regret is...I might be here to see that day...

what is placement all abt...?

"Recession is when a neighbour loses his job...
Depression is when you lose yours."
-Ronald Reagan