frustration vs stress

Came home today and found the house empty...My family now doesnt even bother to tell me where they are going...
May be i myself have somewhere brought this situation...but also....somewhere you feel only if people could understand you...

The world sees the smiling face that you show...and they think everything is fine...When they see a pale face....they assume that there is only one thing which appears outside that is affecting you...

Sometimes...you just dont feel the need to put up that smile just to fake it to the world mann...Its my life that I am living...I wont smile if i dont feel like doing so...whats their problem trying to judge whats cooking in my life...

Somewhere....You feel this urge to be around a person you can be YOURSELF....just "be"...where you dont have to bother whats wrong and whats right...and where you dont have to put a different face just to fake it...

I tell people this....if you find such a person...understand them...stick to them....they wont be replaced by anyone...
I wish it was that simple though...

I walked on the roads of my Junior College today after a long long time...
All the memories just flashed back again...
I never imagined then that today i would be walkin the road...and it feels a bit strange...like your life story is connected in every aspect...that there is more to this than plain coincidence...that everything that you do....and everything that happens...all the people you meet...acquaintances...close friends...are somewhere connected...and they form a larger picture...to add more meaning to your life...

the past is just a trend...look at the future...

Was talking to Varun today...and he pointed out how I have changed...and about how I have lost the attitude we used to carry in engineering...A feeling of pride to be "us"...
He says he doesnt see that pride anymore when he talks to me...
"We are the best engineers passed out of our college Prasad...you are the one person who used to supply all the notes to the college...LOOK AT YOU NOW....what has happened??"

I dont know what his point was...But i dont think i have lost my ego...tried stooping it down to a minimum for sure though...still some of it remains...

I dont know what it is...maybe i have begun to get frustrated by things to such a level that it has started changing me...
I am not weak...but things around are too much of a "test of life" to deal with...
Friends are either too busy or are too occupied with themselves...
There is a state of mind where you need to just stay away...you are just about to cry....but there isnt anyone around to listen to you...

I seek answer to just one simple question... "Why do i need to be through all this...Why does the peace stay away..."
Looking at the broader picture just doesnt help sometimes because you dont have answers to the present questions...and keeping yourself occupied all the time seems like an escape route...

I look at some guys around...evil souls...must have created sickest of the crimes...but they are unaffected...and happy...nothing affects them...and you compare yourself with them and ask...
"Was I ever that bad or worse??"
And the thought scares me...

Today in class i realized that one thing i did push for has paid off well...atleast i know for sure that how much ever i took a bad name for it and fought...atleast till now...everything is in control...

Life...in 4 photographs...

First Pic

Break of Dawn -- New lease of life, embarking upon a New Voyage......
A Child Flying Kite -- Young Blood, Aspiring to Fly High with Enormous Zest n Zeal...Coz U Know, Sky is The Limit......
A Small Tree -- Need to Nurture.......
Two Birds Hovering Above -- There r People Around to Take Ample Care of You, You r Actually Carefree.......


Second Pic

Daylight -- You r Almost Halfway Through in This Voyage Called Life.....
Couple -- You Have a Better half of Yours to Lean Upon n Speak Your Heart Out to......
Grown-up Tree -- You Have Been Nurtured Profusely to Stand Tall n Rigidly in The Storms That May, Otherwise, Let U Down........ .
A Small Tree -- You, Together With Your Better half, Have Given a New Lease of Life to Another Breaking Dawn (Your Child).........
One Bird Hovering Above -- There r Comparatively Less People around You to Take Care of You, Unlike during Your Wonder Childhood Years.......


Third Pic

Fall of Dusk -- Twilight is setting Upon, Life Has Come a Full Circle....
An Old Man -- It's a Race Against Time Now On, It's The Beginning of The End of The Voyage......
Ageing Tree -- Signifies The Above Two Things, Second One Being The Personification of This........
Grown Tree -- Your Kids Have Grown Up; It's High Time You Start Supporting Them With Tender Care Rather Than Clashes..........
One Bird -- Self Explanatory, I Guess???
Grave -- In Course of The Voyage You Have Lost Loved Ones n You Also Start to Anticipate Your Ultimate Fate n Destiny..........


Fourth Pic

Nightfall -- Voyage is Over, Darkness is Looming Over, High Time to Say Good Bye....
Starry Sky -- There's Still Happiness Around, Thanks to The Aesthetic Memories Left by You n The Good Work Done Too..... .
Grown-up Tree -- Your Kids r Walking in Your Shoes now, It's For Them to Follow Your Footsteps Drawing Inspiration >From Your Exemplary Life..
Grave With Two Crosses -- You r United with Your Soul mates n RIPS........

Simple...yet not so simple...

I am not a bad person....I just had bad LUCK...

Sometimes...All you can do is just have hope that everything that happens is for a better cause...I dont know why things change...but i hate God sometimes for not being fair...!!!

Smoking the stress away...

There is this thing about me...Just when you thought that i couldnt make a situation worse...I prove the impossible wrong...
I just have to screw things up to the next level...

And it always happens to me...Not that i am particularly proud of it...but i cant keep things to myself...and i react from the heart sometimes...and my mind goes to sleep...
I dont know how to handle a situation the "sane" way i guess...

There are some things i dont regret doing though...maybe the way i did it was wrong...

A friend told me today to stop living in denial...and to stand up and face what you are against..to stop taking the frustration to the next level and getting affected by people...the message went directly to the right place...
I just hope it doesnt frustrate me more...

I have always tried to do the right things...just doesnt work always...or maybe my methods dont work...

Was telling Harry today how i have got this sudden urge to smoke...dunno why....i just feel that at some point i cannot handle the stress around me...

Still non smoked though...

Was watching a video...I always wished i could have this perfect formal dinner with someone...fun it will be...the candles...the suit...the moment...

Not always do dreams come true though...

Get busy living, or get busy dying

Was home the whole day today...and dint do one single "productive" work...
All i saw was my laptop screen and all i heard apart from the loud winamp playing were voices of people on the cell phone...

I am just very bored these days...need some excitement in life...I suddenly feel outa focus and lost...getting that feeling of "why do i need to do this?" "why should i go through all this!"

It happens when what you believe in and do goes against you...suddenly all the equations of life are taking a chance to prove you wrong and no matter what you do....it just doesnt help...

I think i have begun to lack belief in what i do...and somewhere the negativity is creeping in...

I need independence...but i also feel the need to be dependent...and its the absence of both which is getting on to me now...
There comes a time in everyones life where you need stability and peace with the things around...

Im trying to cope with change...the will to be strong enough...but somewhere i cant accept the fact that why things have to be this way...and why it always concludes the other way...

I need to start living...but right now...i just see myself dying everyday...

The rains are pouring in...bringing in memories of the good times...i wonder though why am i not making any good memories right now...

I need time...one moment...that will change everything...

"They say it has no memory. That's where I want to live the rest of my life. A warm place with no memory..."

Seriously speaking...NO accomplishments...

Some people are NEVER satisfied...some will NEVER agree to what you say....some others will NEVER accept that you can be right...some will only want you to get more irritated ..rest just cant accept that you could be better than them...it hurts them like a knife in the heart...

Oh My God ppl....!!!

Listen to me....Even I CAN talk sense sometimes you know...

Whatever mann...My life doesnt end on you...I have something more important waiting somewhere...
You were just my test of patience for that SOMETHING BIG...

And be damn sure....I WILL GET IT SOMEDAY!!

...the struggle...

We always talk of people who struggle...about people who have had hardships in life and made it big...
Every great man...has a great story to tell...story of sacrifice,persistence,pain,hunger and suffering...before they made it big...

I wonder if in this unbalanced world,all those who suffer make it big...because....after all....suffering and sacrifice too are very relative and subjective terms...

I know of this guy at my workplace...18 year old...young guy who recently gave his 12th (HSC) exams...
He is a seemingly light hearted guy...always cracking up stupid jokes and fooling around...and the office people dont really mind him coz he is the youngest among the sales executive lot...

On his result day...I asked him what he plans to do ahead...
It was obvious that him doing a job was a necessity to support his family...the very reason he took up a job before even completing his graduation was evidence of this fact...

He told me that he dint really know...and he asked me about various options and its scope ahead...I was giving him all the info i could...
At one moment...he cursed his fate and his family...the tension spread all over his face...
He looked at me with a face which asked why was it so difficult for him to make a choice then...why couldnt he afford to leave the job and study like normal 18 yr olds...and i had no answers...

His result was out...and he scored a descent 62%...and this was a total one month of study before the exams...as he dint get time due to the job...

I did see him the next morning...He seemed really low....with the smile on his face gone...and the tension evident again...
I went up to him and asked what had happened...and he just turned away....trying to avoid looking at me...it was as if he was almost to tears....
I left him alone...and i went out...

After about an hour or so...i saw him leave the office...I called him...
"This is for you...Your result was out yesterday...I just thought you deserve something for your efforts..." I said removing the Cadbury Temptations from my pocket.

His face lit up with glee...He thanked me...hugged me...and I have seen him smiling, as always, after that...

Sometimes...You dont need money...you dont need luck....you dont need success...
All you need is someone appreciating you...and believing in what you do...

The Struggle

Have you ever traveled down a road to find there was no end
For every corner that you turned there was another bend
The faster that you walked, the longer that it seemed
And you were all alone, in this crazy dream

Crazy dreams that you dream alone
When the lights go out and no one's home
You see the day for what it's been
And you wish to God you could stay clean

The morning brings you to the road you didn't want to travel
and every step you take again makes your life unravel
You keep on walking down the path, wondering what you'll find,
and pray that when you find it you wont have lost your mind

It's halfway through another day and you're looking for those dreams
knowing they can make your life better than it seems
If only to forget your pain for a little while
you can travel down the road just another mile

The night is now upon you, the miles are on your face,
But you keep going forward to your final place.
You know the end is coming soon, you see it straight ahead
And if they don't forget you, you never will be dead

...Worth Reading...

Below are some of the quotes by AYN RAND...believe me...it is one of the most profound writing i have come across in a long time...read every word...and let it sink in...it will leave you amazed!


"Achievement of my happiness is the only moral purpose of my life, and that happiness, not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of my moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of one's loyalty to the achievement of one's values. It only stands to reason that where there's sacrifice, there's someone collecting the sacrificial offerings. Where there's service, there is someone being served. The man who speaks to you of sacrifice is speaking of slaves and masters, and intends to be the master. Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth. From the smallest necessity to the highest religious abstraction, from the wheel to the skyscraper, everything we are and everything we have comes from one attribute of man - the function of his reasoning mind."
==============================================

Money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver.

=============================================

"Love is the expression of one's values, the greatest reward you can earn for the moral qualities you have achieved in your character and person, the emotional price paid by one person for the joy he receives from the virtues of another. "
=============================================

To say "I love you" one must first be able to say the "I."

=============================================

"There are two sides to every issue: one side is right and the other is wrong, but the middle is always evil. Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is WRONG."

freaking 24!!!

I think the best part about your birthday is that you actually celebrate "getting OLD"!
I am all smiles outside....but inside i am cursing myself...

"F**kin blooddy oldddie 24...!"
LOLZ...

I know its not that bad...but come to think of it...what have i achieved at 24...
I mean common...Katrina Kaif is 24 (And that very much makes her a potential prospective wife to be for me!! wooohooo!!) Look at her...famous...rich...and has the world at her feet...

I know life isnt really about comparisons though....But the essence of survival is incomplete without comparison...
Its always what the other wants and has tat bothers us throughout our lives...
"Why does he have that girl....How did he get that job...How come he is soo rich...Why is she thinner than me...Why is she fatter than me!!"
You always want to better than the other...and no matter how much people say they dont care...they always do get bothered...somewhere...!!!

Anyways...Since the text im writing isnt really going anywhere...i guess i whould start writing something else...
Ohh...yeahh....my wish list for the b'day...
You know...i dont really believe in writing down wish lists...Things should land up in your life...only then its funn...u knw like...when you get just what you always wanted without even telling it to anyone!!
As if it was just meant to be...
(Meant to be...hmmm...funny words...)

But actually...I have made ONE wishlist...still making additions and deletions in it...and it includes some things i think i might never have...and i think will be auto displayed here...
:-)


I have these sudden urge sometimes to have a kid around me...especially after watching JERSEY GIRL...
I think it will be a great thing...
You have this small person caring for you soo much...believing in you...asking you all sorts of stupid questions...and you are a world to him/her...!
It must be an amazing feeling...
I dont say that suddenly im feeling OLD and planning to become a dad (heck...i need a GF b4 that! lol) i guess...its the need to be cared for...to be asked for...to be loved...or....i guess i have just gone OLD!!!

:-(

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened."
-- Jennifer Yane