Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Talking thru the eyes....

Had a fun day today...seemed like the longest journey back home...
Was singing the most amazing songs in the most crappiest voice with college friends...and was just plain having fun...

Chaahe Jo Tumhe Poore Dil Se
Milta Hai Woh Mushkil Se
Aisa Jo Koi Kahin Hai
Bas Vahi Sabse Hasin Hai
Us Haath Ko Tum Thaam Lo
Woh Meherbaan Kal Ho Na Ho
Har Pal Yahan
Jee Bhar Jiyo Jo Hai Sama
Kal Ho Na Ho

Palko Ke Leke Saaye
Paas Koi Jo Aaye
Lakh Sambhalo Paagal Dil Ko
Dil Dhadke Hi Jaaye
Par Sochlo Is Pal Hai Jo
Woh Dastan Kal Ho Na Ho
Har Pal Yahan
Jee Bhar Jiyo Jo Hai Sama
Kal Ho Na Ho
Har Pal Yahan
Jee Bhar Jiyo Jo Hai Sama
Kal Ho Na Ho


Thankgod for them...atleast i can put a certain issues at the back of my head...



I never believed people could talk to through eyes...at least it never happened to me ever before...But then...sometimes that eye to eye look for a small moment says soo much...and then it just naturally follows a smile...
It feels amazing at times...as if u dont need to say anything...
May be there is nothing to communicate...but then...its still feels good...
I dunno how i missed it for sooo long....or rather..how did i notice it after soo long!

Jaya and Ekta wrote down a list of good qualities that i have...
LOL....funny it was...nice to knw that someone cares...
I will never ever forget the fact that Jaya was always the only person to ask me everyday "How are you?" "Did you have lunch?" "Everything ok..?" and this was when i needed it the most...

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

...missed OUTFLOW...

The past few days has taught me a lot...I have seen how people have moved away...and i have seen how impatient i am that i cant wait for things to be normal...i will push it till it goes worst...to a point of no return...

I dont have many regrets though....except for my reactions at times...but i definitely dint do or say things with a wrong heart...If there exist truth...that will show someday...

I wish i had someone right now to whom i could just say things...a lota things happening in life right now...and i need to settle down somewhere...be in peace...

Have been doing so much for people...i think i have lost my identity somewhere...and my existence...Had lost the thought that my needs also have to be fulfilled and that always waiting for things to come to you doesnt really work...
LIFE IS and ALWAYS WILL BE UNFAIR...

The frustration just rises at home...i dont feel like coming home...its the same old story abt how i am not involved and about how i am not responsible...I wish my parents cud find one responsible guy instead of me...i would be happy to move out...

But the sad part is...waiting in college doesnt help much either...This...my friend is called...BEING ROYALLY SCREWED!!!

No wonder...tears just roll out of no reason...i just cant take it anymore...
I HAVE NO EVIL IN MY HEART ATLEAST...AND I AM PROUD OF THAT...

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Some writings relate to life...

I had found this writing on Pheonix's blog long time back...She had posted it abt 2 months back...
Its amazingly written...its like a conversation between a girl and a guy abt their relationship..just thought i should keep it as a part of my blog memory...

Mind over matter

For some time now, I've been afraid to look into his eyes, to have a free conversation, to be able to confess what I love and hate about him, about myself, about this world. Really, afraid sometime, and grudgingly indulging in short lame conversations. And making the run, of course!

This ain't typically me, but it's the witless me. He's puzzled me so much by wide variations in his behavior I can't fathom what he really thinks anymore, and despite my curiosity to know, I'm scared, so scared, that if I went any closer to him at this point of time, at least one of us will fall in love with the other.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can never exactly pin-point what's going on in her twisted mind, but these days she's absolutely out of my radar. Or maybe, out of my life too, considering the way she acts most of the times as if she hates me, or is extremely bored/irritated of me. I should know better, for not long ago I thought I understood her well, and we were so close, so close that all I wanted was to somehow keep her mine forever...yes, I guess, that was it...that mad intensity with which I wanted to be with her, around her all the time. I don't know what it was, but it was both obsessive and addictive, and I really had to fight to gain some self-control and to not fall in love with her.

Love...was it that? Is it that? I doubt it...what is love anyway? I've always hated the notion of love but this time I don't know...but it seems quite the opposite with her behavior of late. She's running away, and and she's way too smart to do it explicitly, or to do it without a reason. Is it something in me? And yet, I want her back just as her. Pure, bright her.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's so easy to say "I don't care". It's so much harder to not care.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's so much easier to say "I hate her" than to actually not love her. You know, I think it was love after all, and all that while I didn't understand it. I can't even recollect clearly and chronologically what all happened to be able to understand when and where and why I lost her, but I know I have. To think of it, she never was mine anyway. It'd be best to forget her, but this love makes it impossible to do even that, just that it makes it awfully tough and painful to continue talking to her. Especially when she clearly does not care, or understand me any more. Why do people fall in love?!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I so can't live without him. Or with him. Whenever I look at my past, the idea of love makes me flinch. It is so scary a thing to exist in the past, leave alone the future. And then, he hates the notion of love. He is an intense person, so much that if I showed him any tenderness his anger would completely annihilate me, as also his peace for a lot of time. And then, love's never done me any good. He is a great friend, why ruin it? Or at least, why ruin it this way?! It's wise to run, I think. Logical. Damn, why do people fall in love?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You're weird sometimes."
"As if you aren't. But you act as per your convenience and nothing else."
"Are you calling me selfish?"
"Aren't you?"
"...."
"Well, all you care about is your needs, and everything else is incidental."
"So are you my need that I care for you?"
"Do you, really?"
"No"
"See. That's just what you are, whimsical."
"You're weird, and self-obsessed."
"There could be other things I'm obsessed about...but anyway you wouldn't understand."
"Of course, I never understand anything do I?"
"Almost."
"Thanks"
"Thank you missy! For everything..."
"Whatever. Bye"
"Goodbye"
is the word, for I'm trying to hide somewhere from the questioning eyes of a friend so close, who wonders what went wrong. Or perhaps not. Perhaps he's guessed too. But it's such a stalemate this situation. And so I find myself making non-committal plans for meeting up


Dramatic effects often have distant, even subtle causes.


Thursday, July 24, 2008

at peace...

Dot dot dot...

Life has suddenly become 3 dots...incomplete...restrained...blank...


Frustration is a sign somewhere, you took it too seriously.
But it's life. If challenges could always be overcome, they would cease to be a challenge. And remember - if you are failing at something, that means you are at your limit or potential. And that's where you want to be.
Someday...Honesty will pay...the regret is...I might be here to see that day...

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

what is placement all abt...?


"Recession is when a neighbour loses his job...
Depression is when you lose yours."

-Ronald Reagan

Saturday, July 19, 2008

frustration vs stress

Came home today and found the house empty...My family now doesnt even bother to tell me where they are going...
May be i myself have somewhere brought this situation...but also....somewhere you feel only if people could understand you...

The world sees the smiling face that you show...and they think everything is fine...When they see a pale face....they assume that there is only one thing which appears outside that is affecting you...

Sometimes...you just dont feel the need to put up that smile just to fake it to the world mann...Its my life that I am living...I wont smile if i dont feel like doing so...whats their problem trying to judge whats cooking in my life...

Somewhere....You feel this urge to be around a person you can be YOURSELF....just "be"...where you dont have to bother whats wrong and whats right...and where you dont have to put a different face just to fake it...

I tell people this....if you find such a person...understand them...stick to them....they wont be replaced by anyone...
I wish it was that simple though...

I walked on the roads of my Junior College today after a long long time...
All the memories just flashed back again...
I never imagined then that today i would be walkin the road...and it feels a bit strange...like your life story is connected in every aspect...that there is more to this than plain coincidence...that everything that you do....and everything that happens...all the people you meet...acquaintances...close friends...are somewhere connected...and they form a larger picture...to add more meaning to your life...

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

the past is just a trend...look at the future...

Was talking to Varun today...and he pointed out how I have changed...and about how I have lost the attitude we used to carry in engineering...A feeling of pride to be "us"...
He says he doesnt see that pride anymore when he talks to me...
"We are the best engineers passed out of our college Prasad...you are the one person who used to supply all the notes to the college...LOOK AT YOU NOW....what has happened??"

I dont know what his point was...But i dont think i have lost my ego...tried stooping it down to a minimum for sure though...still some of it remains...

I dont know what it is...maybe i have begun to get frustrated by things to such a level that it has started changing me...
I am not weak...but things around are too much of a "test of life" to deal with...
Friends are either too busy or are too occupied with themselves...
There is a state of mind where you need to just stay away...you are just about to cry....but there isnt anyone around to listen to you...

I seek answer to just one simple question... "Why do i need to be through all this...Why does the peace stay away..."
Looking at the broader picture just doesnt help sometimes because you dont have answers to the present questions...and keeping yourself occupied all the time seems like an escape route...

I look at some guys around...evil souls...must have created sickest of the crimes...but they are unaffected...and happy...nothing affects them...and you compare yourself with them and ask...
"Was I ever that bad or worse??"
And the thought scares me...

Today in class i realized that one thing i did push for has paid off well...atleast i know for sure that how much ever i took a bad name for it and fought...atleast till now...everything is in control...

Life...in 4 photographs...

First Pic

Break of Dawn -- New lease of life, embarking upon a New Voyage......
A Child Flying Kite -- Young Blood, Aspiring to Fly High with Enormous Zest n Zeal...Coz U Know, Sky is The Limit......
A Small Tree -- Need to Nurture.......
Two Birds Hovering Above -- There r People Around to Take Ample Care of You, You r Actually Carefree.......


Second Pic


Daylight -- You r Almost Halfway Through in This Voyage Called Life.....
Couple -- You Have a Better half of Yours to Lean Upon n Speak Your Heart Out to......
Grown-up Tree -- You Have Been Nurtured Profusely to Stand Tall n Rigidly in The Storms That May, Otherwise, Let U Down........ .
A Small Tree -- You, Together With Your Better half, Have Given a New Lease of Life to Another Breaking Dawn (Your Child).........
One Bird Hovering Above -- There r Comparatively Less People around You to Take Care of You, Unlike during Your Wonder Childhood Years.......


Third Pic


Fall of Dusk -- Twilight is setting Upon, Life Has Come a Full Circle....
An Old Man -- It's a Race Against Time Now On, It's The Beginning of The End of The Voyage......
Ageing Tree -- Signifies The Above Two Things, Second One Being The Personification of This........
Grown Tree -- Your Kids Have Grown Up; It's High Time You Start Supporting Them With Tender Care Rather Than Clashes..........
One Bird -- Self Explanatory, I Guess???
Grave -- In Course of The Voyage You Have Lost Loved Ones n You Also Start to Anticipate Your Ultimate Fate n Destiny..........


Fourth Pic


Nightfall -- Voyage is Over, Darkness is Looming Over, High Time to Say Good Bye....
Starry Sky -- There's Still Happiness Around, Thanks to The Aesthetic Memories Left by You n The Good Work Done Too..... .
Grown-up Tree -- Your Kids r Walking in Your Shoes now, It's For Them to Follow Your Footsteps Drawing Inspiration >From Your Exemplary Life..
Grave With Two Crosses -- You r United with Your Soul mates n RIPS........

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Simple...yet not so simple...


I am not a bad person....I just had bad LUCK...

Sometimes...All you can do is just have hope that everything that happens is for a better cause...I dont know why things change...but i hate God sometimes for not being fair...!!!

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Smoking the stress away...

There is this thing about me...Just when you thought that i couldnt make a situation worse...I prove the impossible wrong...
I just have to screw things up to the next level...

And it always happens to me...Not that i am particularly proud of it...but i cant keep things to myself...and i react from the heart sometimes...and my mind goes to sleep...
I dont know how to handle a situation the "sane" way i guess...

There are some things i dont regret doing though...maybe the way i did it was wrong...

A friend told me today to stop living in denial...and to stand up and face what you are against..to stop taking the frustration to the next level and getting affected by people...the message went directly to the right place...
I just hope it doesnt frustrate me more...

I have always tried to do the right things...just doesnt work always...or maybe my methods dont work...

Was telling Harry today how i have got this sudden urge to smoke...dunno why....i just feel that at some point i cannot handle the stress around me...

Still non smoked though...

Was watching a video...I always wished i could have this perfect formal dinner with someone...fun it will be...the candles...the suit...the moment...


Not always do dreams come true though...

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Get busy living, or get busy dying

Was home the whole day today...and dint do one single "productive" work...
All i saw was my laptop screen and all i heard apart from the loud winamp playing were voices of people on the cell phone...

I am just very bored these days...need some excitement in life...I suddenly feel outa focus and lost...getting that feeling of "why do i need to do this?" "why should i go through all this!"

It happens when what you believe in and do goes against you...suddenly all the equations of life are taking a chance to prove you wrong and no matter what you do....it just doesnt help...

I think i have begun to lack belief in what i do...and somewhere the negativity is creeping in...

I need independence...but i also feel the need to be dependent...and its the absence of both which is getting on to me now...
There comes a time in everyones life where you need stability and peace with the things around...

Im trying to cope with change...the will to be strong enough...but somewhere i cant accept the fact that why things have to be this way...and why it always concludes the other way...

I need to start living...but right now...i just see myself dying everyday...

The rains are pouring in...bringing in memories of the good times...i wonder though why am i not making any good memories right now...

I need time...one moment...that will change everything...

"They say it has no memory. That's where I want to live the rest of my life. A warm place with no memory..."
Google+